An open letter to deepika padukone

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An Open Letter To Deepika Padukone From A Schizophrenic
Updated: Mar 25, 2015 14:19 IST
Reshma Valliappan
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(Reshma Valliappan, 34, was diagnosed with Schizophrenia in 2002 after years of struggling with what everyone considered "angry teenage rebellion". She is an artist, an author and a vocal advocate for the rights of those who are diagnosed with mental health issues. She released her first book "Fallen, Standing", a powerful memoir of her journey to diagnosis, in February 2015.)

Dear Deepika,

Ever since I heard about your coming out of the closet, so to speak, about your struggle with depression, I have wanted to write. I have swung between many personal and political issues concerning mental health since listening to you.

I had to remove your celebrity image in my head and look at you as a human being in order to write this. I've self-harmed as a child and continued through adulthood. Often, I have bouts of severe depression where I feel I'm choking for days or weeks, and then, as if with a flip of a coin, I spring up to a high and prance about like the world is mine before I hit a different nerve and drift way into a fantasy land of zombies, ghost and what not. I have my version of depression but that is not what my label is. The one I carry- Schizophrenia- seems to be every Bollywood director's favourite sell, to the point of having sometimes made a mockery of what someone like me deals with.

The day I came out of the closet, I knew I was going to be even more alone than I already am. As I emerged, I had very few models or mentors who have braved the stigma, and have carried the torch for decades, for people like me. More have begun to join in, and the number of people who feel they can speak out about schizophrenia is slowly growing. This has helped us know that we are not alone with the invisibility of our human condition that is called mental illness. Not alone in the lonely road of existential crises. Not alone as we fight with our caregivers to get them to understand we are people first and not 'disorders'. Not alone with our own stigma and the stigma we receive from outside ourselves too. When I thought about what it must be for you - all I could do was imagine the world you are in and the one you come from.

As you try to create awareness through your own experience, I write to let you know that you are not alone on this road either, even though in mental health advocacy, the journey is often a lonely one. I also write in to tell you of some of my concerns about how society deals with mental health - so different from other ailments. What many people don't know is that a person like me has no political or legal rights whatsoever. In the eyes of the law, I may as well be dead. I cannot vote, cannot marry, cannot sign a contract, and I can forget about getting a job.

Most importantly, I do not have the right to choose my own treatment. I can be forced against my will, be dragged into an institution to be locked away forever.  I can be given electric shock therapies, have my brain cut open if someone sees fit, I can be raped and abused and the world will not know of me or what I endure.  When I say 'I', I am not talking only about my individual story, but that of millions of women and men in India who suffer from mental health issues, and what we go through in the name of care.

It is an irony. If I have no rights even after treatment, why bother to get better? How has the system or society benefited me? If I have no say in my treatment and I can be dragged inside on the grounds that I am violent or dangerous - how is it that so many others who commit grave crimes walk free? Most of us have been victims of such acts either outside institutions or within the very walls of psychiatric institutions and facilities that are meant to care for and protect us. Yet, I am the one considered dangerous to society.

I continue being criticized as I fight for what I stand for. I simply ask for what is mine. That I should be seen as equal to everyone else with legal rights. I ask to be treated with dignity and respect, but just yesterday someone told me 'not all mad people are capable of thinking for themselves. They run away. They live on streets. They can be of harm to themselves or others.' I have been through all that, but it does not mean I am incapable of thinking.

People like me are incapacitated at many levels. A large number of youth are so diverse in their emotions, thoughts, intelligence, spirituality, but because we have no legal rights, we have often been guinea pigs for the medicalization of human experiences.

There are no biological markers or scans that show mental illness. No way to diagnose it beyond determining whether one is performing all personal, social, filial, professional roles ascribed to us. Society has a set of constructs that one must abide by and if we don't manage, the diagnosis is quick. To me, depression feels like having access to a range of human emotions that we are otherwise asked not to feel. It tells me that the world is not a beautiful flowery place and I am in touch with these 'negative' emotions and that it is okay to do so.

I call my Schizophrenia my experience, invisible to everyone else. I've described it as my heart having been broken at many levels, trying to get my attention, so that I listen to myself more carefully. This is what my diagnosis means to me. When I am feeling depressed, I tell myself that a part of me needs to let go. I weep and howl and break. When I am on a high, it allows me to simply love irrespective of any differences that I would have otherwise judged. When I panic, I'll strip in the comforts of my own room and jump around screaming to music. When I am anxious, I start cleaning my entire house. When I feel nothing, I am nothing. And when I am hyperactive, others tell me 'Why don't you take your medication? I ask them 'Why don't you take medication to understand me?

I am not dismissing the seriousness of mental health issues, nor am I romanticizing them. Far from it. By no means do I suggest medication is not a part of the solution, I simply want to the choice to take it to be mine, and not have it taken away from me. I don't want my depression to merely be 'treated'. I need it to be understood. I don't want to 'treat' myself but I want to be respected as a human being with the choice to say "yes" or "no" to a conventional treatment of medicines and to be given the range of support possible. It is not an ambitious choice. In my personal experience, the system in which treatment exists in India operates on the notion that people like me are outcasts in society. So isn't it logical to consider alternatives to institutionalized medical care that can at least help part of the way?

I do not expect you to take on our cause alone. I know too well that raising awareness amidst such stigma is an uphill task. But I write to you with the hope that through you, my voice will reach the very world that rejects us, because they accept you - where those who only look at me as a "disorder" will also be able to look at me as a human being.

I write to you for many reasons with pictures I should paint. I write to simply tell you my story, and also to tell you that my story is not unique. I write to say "thank you" for the care and compassion you have brought to speaking about depression and mental health in the open. What we need are listeners. So I write to thank you for speaking, and for listening.

Peace and colour,

Reshma Valliappan

Identical twins by shreya rawat

Consider this- A pair of earrings,a pair of eyes,a pair of shoes,a pair of socks and the list is inexhaustible. One component out of that pair would land into a serious failure without the other. Having 36 right shoes,and none on the left would sound as good as nullity.
Consider this- Indentical twins,are nothing but a pair. They wear features that christen them as clones. Going by the idea above,they are INSEPARABLE. APPEALING. SUI GENERIS. But,i would loathe to break it to you,that realities are rather latent. On a tete-a-tete with one such pair, I put forth my humble endeavours in diagnosing them.
      Meet Sara and Saima. College going,19 year old twins. The former entered the world 10 minutes before the latter.  They have bright eyes and geeky spectacles to flatter them, a low level of melanin in their dermis,similar physical orientation and in biological parlance, a similar larynx too( owing to the strinkingly similar voices they have). You could barely tell them apart. All that seemed different,was the length of their hair or maybe a freckle or two here & there,shape of the jawline or a scar on Saima's forehead(an impression of a childhood incident). These were the only tools used by the people to recognise who's who. They'd let out a smirk if they succeeded,a gleeful laughter otherwise,besides a comment on how incredibly same they were. This would serve as a fun game in every boring get together. The twins would not only seem abstemious,but would also fret at it indefinitely.
          What would be constantly reminded to them was the fact that "being twins is an identity and you are born with it". But then,can identity not be transformed? The Uncle Sam has Mr.Barack Obama. He was a black, African American, as a child. Even so, now. But this identity has palled against the more obvious identity of being the President of the superpower. On a similar note,twins are born with an indistinguishable identity and no doubt it'll still exist when they die, but then at that point, being a twin would be secondary to the image that each would have carved for herself. DIFFERENT. Afterall identity is something that is created with time and not particularly gifted by Him. You can always mould it as per your whims.
        So why such a deep discussion? Because our Sara and Saima,have their own blues, which only made me more pensive. They were,and still are,expected to lurk around together,expected to have common friends, and expected to style themselves similarly. Because hey! They are twins . Either they exist together or they wouldn't. This callowed perspective,would particularly make them behave a bit more differently. They would purposely not go around together,or would pamper themselves with completely different designs of clothes, different friends,such that, all of this would shriek to the world that "hey! You see us? We're two different goddamn individuals!!" (excuse me for the slang. I am only quoting Saima) Unfortunately,efforts are not always fruitful. They could only hear the world shouting back-"Big deal? You guys still look similar!" 
        They loved each other's company. But they also hated the fact of having a twin. The word "share" had been injected much much before in their lives than when we'd been introduced with . Okay,exaggeration. But,understand the point.Be it sharing some material stuff like toys, to the most abstract things in the world like- 'mother's love', 'undivided attention' are just to name a few.
          Sara, is as ebullient as the tides in the ocean,while Saima is a bon-homie. Sara dispays simplicity in everything. Be it maintaining herself or her choices. Saima is not so simple a girl. She has a high affinity for gaudy stuff. Showcasing smartness and a well-clad appearance is always a priority in her checklist. Sara is more garrulous.Saima,more gluttonous. Interestingly enough, Sara has more pugnacious traits while Saima, though outwardly bold, is calmer. Sara,unlike other girls,is a gaming addict. Computer games. She can barter anything for one. You can do nothing to tackle her monomania. She is pretty dexterous at it too and wouldn't mind losing half of her day to a computer terminal. Saima is a people's person. Socialising is her forté. She is of the belief that one can always learn a great deal more from people than any other existing knowledge base. Sara is a prolific writer. There is always a flavour of gravitas behind her kiddish exterior. She is somewhat messy at handling things and would often commit a faux pas of speaking her mind anywhere. Saima, has nothing exceptional, but she just knows the art of managing stuff. Her's as well as the others'. Sadly enough,it would be hard for people to fathom such minute traits.
           Ever since both of them started off with their schooling,the much awaited term-end results would create nothing but a ruckus in the family. When one of them would present her report card forth anybody,the other's would be religiously asked for and placed by the side for an hour long comparison. Thanks to the 'pair' concept! Even if both of them have performed fairly well,out of a sheer responsibilty, relatives would not shy away in pointing out those extra two marks in Math ,that any one of them might have scored from the other. For them, relatives always tend to speak relatively. What people never noticed was the impact on their relationship as sisters. Ever since childhood,appreciation for each other surrendered to jealousy.
          With guests thronging their place at any season or otherwise, the elder brother would be given a hundered bucks out of love,and very similar for the twins  too. But then,that makes fifty bucks each. Such injustice! They'd to put up with this quite often. More so, at the fault of one, both would be collectively castigated. People were habitual of addressing them in plural tense. Though,their parents never explicitly mentioned the financing part,the unhealthy feeling of a "double burden" would, like a subconscious realization, perch at the back of their minds.
          But,as they grew up,when maturity tends to set in,they only realised how this had affected them over the years. As two kids,they had only grumbled about the glass being half empty. They decided to take to a brighter perspective. Glass half-full. They started rejoicing for something they had been complaining of earlier. 'Sharing' had never been so much fun. "So,in a way, I have double the dresses that a girl out their might have!",joked Saima. Such a girlie thought! They had always felt that they could read each other's mind.From matters as crucial as dates and breakups to as pathetic as picking on people,each just knew what the other had to say .They would joke incessantly. Jokes,that none other could ever decode; followed by peals of laughter and high-fives to give a vent to their intelligent compositions. Except washing and morning jobs,they had each other's company ,mostly.They could never get bored.
           I can recall Sara sharing an incident wherein she was required to glue her passport size photograph on an important document.
"I was completely baffled. Din't know what to do. We were in school back then. Submissions had to be made immediately! Luckily enough, i managed to find a photograph to pull me out of the fuss."
So what's special about it?
"Gosh! It wasn't my photo. Was Saima's. You know,she always carries one."
I felt an unusual joy seeing the twins laugh as they narrated it.
     Ever since they had opted for different courses in school,Sara's friends were Saima's too and vice versa. In that way popularity brew up. Both of them hated cooking. Though Sara hated it more,but the element of dislike, did exist. They would also study the common subjects together. Studies were fun.
            Today,they are at two different places.Away from each other. Graduating. For now,they can only think about the years that have gone by. Faint smiles or ghastly laughters crop up everytime they recollect memories of togetherness. The urge of carving a separate mark still exists,but along with it, is also a want, to make a mark as a duo. This was all i had on them.
       So,the next time you bump into a pair of twins,you'd probably know that they are so much more than two  similar-looking individuals. You'd know exactly how you've to treat them. Don't you?

Scientific Reasons

1.  Joining Both Palms Together To Greet

nepal-girl

In Hindu culture, people greet each other by joining their palms – termed as “Namaskar.” The general reason behind this tradition is that greeting by joining both the palms means respect. However, scientifically speaking, joining both hands ensures joining the tips of all the fingers together; which are denoted to the pressure points of eyes, ears, and mind. Pressing them together is said to activate the pressure points which helps us remember that person for a long time. And, no germs since we don’t make any physical contact!

2. Why Do Indian Women Wear Toe Ring

rong toe

image courtesy

Wearing toe rings is not just the significance of married women but there is science behind it. Normally toe rings are worn on the second toe. A particular nerve from the second toe connects the uterus and passes to heart. Wearing toe ring on this finger strengthens the uterus. It will keep it healthy by regulating the blood flow to it and menstrual cycle will be regularized. As Silver is a good conductor, it also absorbs polar energies from the earth and passes it to the body.

3. Throwing Coins Into A River

Talakaveri coins desinema

The general reasoning given for this act is that it brings Good Luck. However, scientifically speaking, in the ancient times, most of the currency used was made of copper unlike the stainless steel coins of today. Copper is a vital metal very useful to the human body. Throwing coins in the river was one way our fore-fathers ensured we intake sufficient copper as part of the water as rivers were the only source of drinking water. Making it a custom ensured that all of us follow the practice.

4. Applying Tilak/KumKum On The Forehead

kumkum desinema

On the forehead, between the two eyebrows, is a spot that is considered as a major nerve point in human body since ancient times. The Tilak is believed to prevent the loss of “energy”, the red ‘kumkum’ between the eyebrows is said to retain energy in the human body and control the various levels of concentration. While applying kumkum the points on the mid-brow region and Adnya-chakra are automatically pressed. This also facilitates the blood supply to the face muscles.

5. Why Do Temples Have Bells

temple_bell desinema

People who are visiting the temple should and will Ring the bell before entering the inner sanctum (Garbhagudi or Garbha Gruha or womb-chamber) where the main idol is placed. According to Agama Sastra, the bell is used to give sound for keeping evil forces away and the ring of the bell is pleasant to God. However, the scientific reason behind bells is that their ring clears our mind and helps us stay sharp and keep our full concentration on devotional purpose. These bells are made in such a way that when they produce a sound it creates a unity in the Left and Right parts of our brains. The moment we ring the bell, it produces a sharp and enduring sound which lasts for minimum of 7 seconds in echo mode. The duration of echo is good enough to activate all the seven healing centres in our body. This results in emptying our brain from all negative thoughts.

6. Why We Start With Spice & End With Sweet:

indian thali desinema

Our ancestors have stressed on the fact that our meals should be started off with something spicy and sweet dishes should be taken towards the end. The significance of this eating practice is that while spicy things activate the digestive juices and acids and ensure that the digestion process goes on smoothly and efficiently, sweets or carbohydrates pulls down the digestive process. Hence, sweets were always recommended to be taken as a last item.

7.  Why Do We Applying Mehendi/Henna On The Hand And Feet

mehandi

Besides lending color to the hands, mehndi is a very powerful medicinal herb. Weddings are stressful, and often, the stress causes headaches and fevers. As the wedding day approaches, the excitement mixed with nervous anticipation can take its toll on the bride and groom. Application of mehndi can prevent too much stress because it cools the body and keeps the nerves from becoming tense. This is the reason why mehndi is applied on the hands and feet, which house nerve endings in the body.

8. Sitting On The Floor & Eating

sit on floor and eat

This tradition is not just about sitting on floor and eating, it is regarding sitting in the “Sukhasan” position and then eating. Sukhasan is the position we normally use for Yoga asanas. When you sit on the floor, you usually sit cross legged – In sukhasana or a half padmasana  (half lotus), which are poses that instantly bring a sense of calm and help in digestion, it is believed to automatically trigger the signals to your brain to prepare the stomach for digestion.

9. Why You Should Not To Sleep With Your Head Towards North

sleep south

Myth is that it invites ghost or death but science says that it is because human body has its own magnetic field (Also known as hearts magnetic field, because the flow of blood) and Earth is a giant magnet. When we sleep with head towards north, our body’s magnetic field become completely asymmetrical to the Earth’s Magnetic field. That cause problems related to blood pressure and our heart needs to work harder in order to overcome this asymmetry of Magnetic fields. Apart from this another reason is that Our body have significant amount of iron in our blood. When we sleep in this position, iron from the whole body starts to congregate in brain. This can cause headache, Alzheimer’s Disease, Cognitive Decline, Parkinson disease and brain degeneration.

10. Why We Pierce Ear

ear ring

Piercing the ears has a great importance in Indian ethos. Indian physicians and philosophers believe that piercing the ears helps in the development of intellect, power of thinking and decision making faculties. Talkativeness fritters away life energy. Ear piercing helps in speech-restraint. It helps to reduce impertinent behavior and the ear-channels become free from disorders. This idea appeals to the Western world as well, and so they are getting their ears pierced to wear fancy earrings as a mark of fashion.

11. Surya Namaskar

suryanamaskar 3

Hindus have a tradition of paying regards to Sun God early in the morning by their water offering ritual. It was mainly because looking at Sun rays through water or directly at that time of the day is good for eyes and also by waking up to follow this routine, we become prone to a morning lifestyle and mornings are proven to be the most effective part of the day.

12. Choti On The Male Head

Student of university of Madras

Sushrut rishi, the foremost surgeon of Ayurveda, describes the master sensitive spot on the head as Adhipati Marma, where there is a nexus of all nerves. The shikha protects this spot. Below, in the brain, occurs the Brahmarandhra, where the sushumnã (nerve) arrives from the lower part of the body. In Yog, Brahmarandhra is the highest, seventh chakra, with the thousand-petalled lotus. It is the centre of wisdom. The knotted shikhã helps boost this centre and conserve its subtle energy known as ojas.

13. Why Do We Fast

fasting desinema

The underlying principle behind fasting is to be found in Ayurveda. This ancient Indian medical system sees the basic cause of many diseases as the accumulation of toxic materials in the digestive system. Regular cleansing of toxic materials keeps one healthy. By fasting, the digestive organs get rest and all body mechanisms are cleansed and corrected. A complete fast is good for heath, and the occasional intake of warm lemon juice during the period of fasting prevents the flatulence. Since the human body, as explained by Ayurveda, is composed of 80% liquid and 20% solid, like the earth, the gravitational force of the moon affects the fluid contents of the body. It causes emotional imbalances in the body, making some people tense, irritable and violent. Fasting acts as antidote, for it lowers the acid content in the body which helps people to retain their sanity. Research suggests there are major health benefits to caloric restriction like reduced risks of cancer, cardiovascular diseases, diabetes, immune disorders etc.

14. The Scientific Explanation Of Touching Feet (Charan Sparsh)

feet

Usually, the person of whose feet you are touching is either old or pious. When they accept your respect which came from your reduced ego (and is called your shraddha) their hearts emit positive thoughts and energy (which is called their karuna) which reaches you through their hands and toes. In essence, the completed circuit enables flow of energy and increases cosmic energy, switching on a quick connect between two minds and hearts. To an extent, the same is achieved through handshakes and hugs. The nerves that start from our brain spread across all your body. These nerves or wires end in the fingertips of your hand and feet. When you join the fingertips of your hand to those of their opposite feet, a circuit is immediately formed and the energies of two bodies are connected. Your fingers and palms become the ‘receptor’ of energy and the feet of other person become the ‘giver’ of energy.

15. Why Married Women Apply Sindoor Or Vermillion

Aishwarya-Rai_sindoor

It is interesting to note that that the application of sindoor by married women carries a physiological significance. This is so because Sindoor is prepared by mixing turmeric-lime and the metal mercury. Due to its intrinsic properties, mercury, besides controlling blood pressure also activates sexual drive. This also explains why Sindoor is prohibited for the widows. For best results, Sindoor should be applied right upto the pituitary gland where all our feelings are centered. Mercury is also known for removing stress and strain.

16. Why Do We Worship Peepal Tree

pipal

‘Peepal’ tree is almost useless for an ordinary person, except for its shadow. ‘Peepal’ does not a have a delicious fruit, its wood is not strong enough for any purpose then why should a common villager or person worship it or even care for it? Our ancestors knew that ‘Peepal’ is one of the very few trees (or probably the only tree) which produces oxygen even at night. So in order to save this tree because of its unique property they related it to God/religion.

17. Why Do We Worship Tulsi Plant

thulsi

Hindu religion has bestowed ‘Tulsi’, with the status of mother. Also known as ‘Sacred or Holy Basil’, Tulsi, has been recognized as a religious and spiritual devout in many parts of the world. The vedic sages knew the benefits of Tulsi and that is why they personified it as a Goddess and gave a clear message to the entire community that it needs to be taken care of by the people, literate or illiterate. We try to protect it because it is like Sanjeevani for the mankind. Tulsi has great medicinal properties. It is a remarkable antibiotic. Taking Tulsi everyday in tea or otherwise increases immunity and help the drinker prevent diseases, stabilize his or her health condition, balance his or her body system and most important of all, prolong his or her life. Keeping Tulsi plant at home prevents insects and mosquitoes from entering the house. It is said that snakes do not dare to go near a Tulsi plant. Maybe that is why ancient people would grow lots of Tulsi near their houses.

18. Why Do We Worship Idol

statue

Hinduism propagates idol worship more than any other religion. Researchers say that this was initiated for the purpose of increasing concentration during prayers. According to psychiatrists, a man will shape his thoughts as per what he sees. If you have 3 different objects in front of you, your thinking will change according to the object you are viewing. Similarly, in ancient India, idol worship was established so that when people view idols it is easy for them to concentrate to gain spiritual energy and meditate without mental diversion

19. Why Do Indian Women Wear Bangles

Girls-Bangles-1

Normally the wrist portion is in constant activation on any human. Also the pulse beat in this portion is mostly checked for all sorts of ailments. The Bangles used by women are normally in the wrist part of ones hand and its constant friction increases the blood circulation level. Further more the electricity passing out through outer skin is again reverted to one’s own body because of the ring shaped bangles, which has no ends to pass the energy outside but to send it back to the body.

20. Why Should We Visit Temple?

why-visit-temples

Temples are located strategically at a place where the positive energy is abundantly available from the magnetic and electric wave distributions of north/south pole thrust. The main idol is placed in the core center of the temple, known as “*Garbhagriha*” or *Moolasthanam*. In fact, the temple structure is built after the idol has been placed. This *Moolasthanam* is where earth’s magnetic waves are found to be maximum. We know that there are some copper plates, inscribed with Vedic scripts, buried beneath the Main Idol. What are they really? No, they are not God’s / priests’ flash cards when they forget the *shlokas*. The copper plate absorbs earth’s magnetic waves and radiates it to the surroundings. Thus a person regularly visiting a temple and walking clockwise around the Main Idol receives the beamed magnetic waves and his body absorbs it. This is a very slow process and a regular visit will let him absorb more of this positive energy. Scientifically, it is the positive energy that we all require to have a healthy life.

Inspired women, inspire women

"Feminism isn’t about making women stronger. Women are already strong. It’s about changing the way the world perceives that strength." —G.D Anderson

I have been reading so many inspiring articles, quotes, and books from women who are standing of for themselves, for their daughters, and for the future of all women. Today, the commercials and advertisements are moving towards a more positive message. Celebrities are influential speakers at conferences and amazingly speaking at the UN with a call to action.

I want us to take a second to breathe in what’s happening in our world. It’s working. Our voices are being heard and change is not only in the air but it’s blustering through the streets unable to be stopped. There is power in inspiration, but there is also great responsibility. Sometimes finding the inspiration, while difficult at times, is the easiest part. Once we grasp it we are on top of the world. However, keeping it and rediscovering it as often as possible is where things get tough.

I challenge myself everyday to find what inspires me to fight for women everywhere. What am I fighting for and how much work am I willing to put in to get it? I want to be equal in every aspect. I’m tired of my boss mentioning when I wear my hair in a ponytail because it doesn’t look as nice and ignoring when my male coworker wears track pants to a full business attire job. I’m tired of having to wait longer than my male coworkers to get a raise. And more importantly than my personal day-to-day frustrations, I’m tired of women feeling weak, being abused, and tearfully awaiting the day that they fall in love with themselves again. The strength that we have is beyond comparison, and we are on the verge of rebuilding the world’s view of that strength.

I don’t want to lose motivation. I don’t want this feminism movement to be a trend that disappears. We have the human power to change the world’s view forever, not just for a season. And as I AM THAT GIRL reminds us, “This isn’t just a women’s movement, it’s a 21st Century human movement. And we need everyone.” Like some believe, I’m not against men because I’m a feminist. In fact I think they’re a crucial part in making this successful. We need everyone to be on board for equality, universal self-love, and mutual respect.

I’m ready to work harder when I lose sight of what inspires me, and I’m prepared to fight harder to remind the world that my strength is unique, unwavering, and my own. We need to encourage each other to keep going when we’re discouraged and to keep putting one foot in front of the other when the miles keep growing. And when you need a reminder of your strength, repeat this, I’ll say it with you everyday: “A STRONG WOMAN is one who feels deeply, and loves fiercely. Her tears flow just as abundantly as her laughter. A STRONG WOMAN is both soft and powerful. She is both practical and spiritual. A STRONG WOMAN in her essence, a gift to all the world.”

Remember this things

Based on interviews with authors over the years, conferences, editing dozens of issues of Writer’s Digest, and my own occasional literary forays and flails, here are some points of consensus and observations: 15 of them, things anyone who lives by the pen (or seeks to) might consider. It is, like most things in the writing world, a list in progress—and if you’ve got your own Dos or Don’ts to add, I’d love to hear them in the Comments.

1. Don’t assume there is any single path or playbook writers need to follow. (Or, for that matter, a definitive superlative list of Dos and Don’ts …) Simply put: You have to do what works best for you. Listen to the voices in your head, and learn to train and trust them. More often than not, they’ll let you know if you’re on the right path. People often bemoan the surplus of contradictory advice in the writing world—but it’s there because there really is no yellow-brick road, and a diversity of perspectives allows you to cherry-pick what uniquely suits you and your abilities.

2. Don’t try to write like your idols. Be yourself. Yeah, it sounds a bit cheesy, but it’s true: The one thing you’ve got that no one else does is your own voice, your own style, your own approach. Use it. (If you try to pretend to write like anyone else, your readers will know.) Perhaps author Allegra Goodman said it best: “Know your literary tradition, savor it, steal from it, but when you sit down to write, forget about worshiping greatness and fetishizing masterpieces.”

3. Don’t get too swept up in debates about outlining/not outlining, whether or not you should write what you know, whether or not you should edit as you go along or at the end—again, just experiment and do what works best for you. The freedom that comes with embracing this approach is downright cathartic.

4. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket when it comes to pitching something—always be working on your next book or idea while you’re querying. Keeping your creative side in gear while focusing on the business of selling your work prevents bigger stalls in your writing life down the road.

5. Don’t be unnecessarily dishonest, rude, hostile—people in the publishing industry talk, and word spreads about who’s great to work with, and who’s not. Publishing is a big business, but it’s a pretty incestuous business. Keep those family reunions gossip free.

6. Don’t ever hate someone for the feedback they give you. No piece of writing is universally beloved. Nearly every beta reader, editor or agent will have a different opinion of your work, and there’s value in that. Accept what nuggets you believe are valid, recognize the recurring issues you might want/need to address, and toss the edits your gut tells to toss. (Unless the changes are mandatory for a deal—in which case you’ll need to do some deeper soul searching.) Be open to criticism—it will make you a better writer.

7. … But, don’t be susceptible to the barbs of online trolls—you know, those people who post sociopathic comments for the sake of posting sociopathic comments. That’s what trolls do: they troll (on Amazon, Goodreads, Twitter, etc.). It’s not personal. Which means the message at the core of their words means as little as the 0s and 1s used to code it. Ignore them heartily.

8. Don’t ever lower you guard when it comes to the basics: Good spelling, healthy mechanics, sound grammar. They are the foundations that keep our writing houses from imploding … and our queries from hitting the recycling bin before our stories can speak for themselves.

9. Don’t ever write something in an attempt to satisfy a market trend and make a quick buck. By the time such a book is ready to go, the trend will likely have passed. The astronomical amount of romantic teenage vampire novels in desk drawers is more than a nuisance—it’s a wildfire hazard. Write the story that gives you insomnia.

10. Don’t be spiteful about another writer’s success. Celebrate it. As author Amy Sue Nathan recalled when detailing her path to publication in the upcoming July/August 2013 issue of WD: “Writers I knew were landing book deals and experiencing other things I was working toward, so I made a decision to learn from them instead of begrudging them. I learned that another author’s success doesn’t infringe on mine.”

11. Don’t ever assume it’s easy. Writers with one book on shelves or one story in print often had to keep stacking up unpublished manuscripts until they could reach the publisher’s doorbell. (The exception being those lucky 19-year-old savants you sometimes hear about, or, say, Snooki. But, hey, success still isn’t guaranteed—after all, Snooki’s Gorilla Beach: A Novel has only sold 3,445 copies.) Success is one of those things that’s often damn near impossible to accurately predict unless you already have it in spades.

12. Don’t forget to get out once in a while. Writing is a reflection of real life. It’s all too easy to sit too long at that desk and forget to live it.

13. Don’t ever discount the sheer teaching power (and therapeutic goodness) of a great read. The makeshift MFA program of countless writers has been a well-stocked bookshelf.

14. Don’t be afraid to give up … on a particular piece. Sometimes, a story just doesn’t work, and you shouldn’t spend years languishing on something you just can’t fix. (After all, you can always come back to it later, right?)

15. But, don’t ever really give up. Writers write. It’s what we do. It’s what we have to do. Sure, we can all say over a half-empty bottle of wine that we’re going to throw the towel in this time, but let’s be honest: Very few of us ever do. And none of us are ever really all that surprised when we find ourselves back at our computers, tapping away, and waiting for that electric, amazing moment when the pebble of a story shakes loose and begins to skitter down that great hill …