Last letter to him.

Dear ______,

I have written this letter more times than I would like to admit. At first, it started as hate mail—STRONG hate mail. (Sorry.) When you first broke up with me, I wrote pages of rage and pain, hoping I would feel better after, but I didn’t. Then a month later, I wrote another one after seeing you for the first time. Again, no part of me felt healed from it. Another letter followed when 'P' passed away. Except this time there was no hate, only sadness, because I didn’t have your hand to hold. I missed you in that letter. Then a few months later, the animosity came back when I thought you had a new girlfriend. Between these specific moments, I wrote short pieces about what I missed the most, why I was still mad, how I hoped you would feel the same heartbreak one day. All of the things I thought would make me feel better, I wrote down. Now, over a year later, I found what actually helped me heal: time. The cliché I never wanted to listen to ended up being the truth. So now, I sit down to write you what I hope to be the last letter I need to write. I assure you this time, it won’t be angry hate mail or pathetic “miss me like I miss you” mail. Instead, this is a letter of thanks, apology, promise, and hope.

THANKS

Thank you for giving me a love that hurt so much at the end. Saying goodbye to you, us, and the relationship we had created broke my heart in ways I didn’t think was possible. At first, I was angry at you for this. But over time, I have realized that it hurt as bad as it did because of how passionate and strong our love had grown to be. And for that, I thank you with all that I am. Thank you for giving meaning to all those love songs, romantic comedies, and heartfelt quotes. During our entire relationship, I never doubted your feelings for me. Your gaze never wavered. And I say that with full honesty. I didn’t wonder if you were going to be unfaithful; I knew I was the only girl in your life. Thank you for being somebody that I could fully trust and for being the type of guy who thought I was enough.

Which leads me into the next thank you in order: thank you for teaching me that I was enough for myself. Before we dated, I doubted who I was, how I looked, and what I was doing almost daily. My self-confidence just did not exist. But you showed me how to love myself. By seeing myself through your eyes, I was able to start loving my dark eyes and curved sides. With your help, I heard my laugh differently and felt better about my thighs when I walked. And I don’t think you ever realized that you did it. Your genuine compliments and support showed me my own self-worth. Now in times of doubt, I remember the way you loved me, and it still helps. So, thank you.

Together

With you I mixed so many smiles and tears, so many satisfaction with difficulties, countless moments but kept in soul with care, felt and weighed continuously and continuously, at the end of every moment my heart always give the same verdict “I love you …….!”

For better and for worse, we will search and we will find together all the answers, each victory will be a reason to love each other more, and each defeat will be a reason to love each other even more, and we will always smile, because many will cry around us when we will want to share our happiness and many will laugh when we will seek support, so we have each other, so in love and precious for each other that the whole world gets lost in silence when our eyes meet…

Love, what a simple word for so wonderful meanings, I don’t have the power to bright your whole world with it, but I will always put it to your feet, with a sweet smile, a wet look, a tender hug, to make your life way more easier and I more happier that you are good with me.

She loves him.

When I felt in love with you I chose a path that I want to go through to the end because no matter where it will lead me I know it will be a wonderful trip.I don’t need reasons to love you, but to know that we don’t need reasons to love; love is given only for love, nothing less.
I love you because I choose to do so, from billions stars in the sky I choose my star to shine my life, to love me, to love her, to never again be darkness in my life, to release again the child from me, happy and carefree to romp because his best friend is back with him.I find reasons to love you, I find reasons not to love you, but the heart, fortunately, it doesn’t has a brain, she only understands the smiles and tears, she finds sense in touches and looks, she doesn’t believes in punishment because your pain is her pain and your happiness is her happiness and fulfillment, the lie it terrifies her, she wants you and look for you because in this life, you are her only true friend…

May your life way be sprinkled with flowers…by me!

Listen to my heart

Listen to your heart…you might not hear anything, because your heart is listening me too in that adorable silence.

Listen to my words…you might not hear anything, because when I say nothing it’s when I speak the most.

Look at me…and don’t say anything, if we love each other I will understand everything.

Kiss me…and don’t talk, don’t listen, don’t think anything, our love is not a story we should keep for children, is the miracle we live from where they will born…

Lets imagine that passed over us a hundred years, we went along through hundred of attempts, we faced death to save us each other, we crossed mountains of suffering holding our hands, we know each others soul as we know our own hands, that your heart gathered all my worries, all my mistakes, all my thoughts and my deeds, that my eyes cares all your dreams and hopes.

I don’t want to wait a lifetime to feel that we are part of each other, let’s imagine now, even if we have so much to discover and learn yet, let’s imagine we spent together a hundred years and we are spiritually connected as one.

I adore you

Baby, you came in my life and changed my world upside down. But today, What is the cause of this dissension? Let me inform you sweetheart, the seeds of dissension had been sown. Who is responsible for this? You, me or someone else? Ignoring each other is not an option dea, it's a choice. Life is nightmare without you. Leaving you won't be a cakewalk for me. I want you to fly. I want you to grow. But, I want you to love me as well. I want you to talk like lovers do. Would you miss me? And love is a dangerous drug. You have to receive it and you still can't get enough of the stuff. Yup, I am jealous. It's by nature. It's false and unkind but you know it's totally cool. You are not my amazing man but you are still mine. Love is kind, it never boast and it's souvenir. I adore you because I love you. And loving you gives me courage. I can't bring down the moon from the sky but I promise you baby I will be always there for you in your every step. I will cry with you. I will laugh with you. Wanna be the part of your struggle and build an empire. Please give me a chance. You won't regret.
I adore you. 
I am infatuated with you. 
I appreciate you. 
I can't live without you. 
I can't stop thinking about you when we're apart. 
I cherish you. 
I dream of you. 
I live for our love. 
I love being around you. 
I need you by my side. 
I need you.
 I respect you. 
I value you. 
I want a lifetime with you. 
I want you. 
I worship you. 
I yearn for you. 
I'm a better person because of you. 
I'm blessed to have you in my life. 
I'm devoted to you. 
I'm fond of you. 
I'm lost without you. 
I'm nothing without you. 
I'm passionate about you. 
I'm thankful for you. 
I'm yours. 
Me and you. Always. 
My love is unconditional. 
Our love is invaluable. 
Take me, I'm yours. 

Story of a bookaholic girl

केही आफ्नो कथा र केही काल्पनिकताको समिश्रणलाई भावनाको खोलीमा बगाउन मन लाग्यो।पहिलो उपन्यासको ढाॅचा तयार पार्ने क्रममा नै मैले निर्णय गरिसकेको थिएॅ कि दोस्रो उपन्यास म आफ्नै बारे लेख्नेछु।
सबैले गर्ने प्रश्न एउटै हुन्छ," प्रेम जालमा पर्याछौ कि क्या हो खुबै लेख्छ्यौ त ?" अनि यस्तो किताब पढ्ने मान्छे 'BBA' मा कसरी ? उत्तर हुदैॅन मसॅग तैपनि केही न केही भाॅजो हालिदिने गर्याछु मैले अनि दोस्रो पटक यही प्रश्न दोह्रयाउने प्रयत्न गर्दैनन् उनीहरू।
मेरो जन्म पाल्पाको एउटा सानो गाउॅमा भएको हो। मेरो हजुरबुबा मुखिया थिए। अनि मुखिया बाजेको छोरो चाहिॅ डाक्टर अनि बुहारी नर्स।मेरो जन्मसॅगै मुखियाको घरमा खुसियालि छायो।संसारमा सबैभन्दा धेरै माया कसले गर्छ भन्ने प्रश्नको जवाफमा 'आमा' ले भन्ने हुन्छ तर मलाई आफ्नी आमा भन्दा हजुरबुबा प्यारो लाग्छ। म उहाॅलाई 'हजुबा' भनेर बोलाउॅ थिएॅ।म दुई वर्षको हुदाॅ  मलाई हजुबाको काखमा छोडेर बाबुआमा काठ्माडौॅ बसाई सरे।दर्दनिय छ मेरो बाल्यकाल।हो, म मुखियाको नातिनी तर मुखियाकै हितैषि मित्रहरूबाट लुटिएकी छु।मेरो बाल मस्तिष्कमा आघात पुर्याई ती हिस्रंकहरूले के के गरे,गरे।अशिक्षित जनमानसले मेरो पिडा कहाॅ बुझ्न सक्यो र ?  चौध वर्ष बिताॅए मैले मुखियाको नातिनी बनेर अनि दुई/चार खाईमाराका खेलौना।बाबाआमालाई मेरो कुरा सुन्ने फुर्सद थिएन।अमेरिका, लन्डन जस्ता सहरको निमन्त्रणा स्विकार्नमै बेस्त होईसिन्थ्यो। बाल्यकाल त मेरो एकान्तमा बसेर, मनका भावनालाई कलम कापीको सहायताले आसुॅको भेल बगाउॅदैमा बित्यो त कहिले ती दुष्टहरूबाट आफूलाई बचाउने प्रयत्न गर्दैमा बित्यो।मुखिया बाजेको ऑगनीॅमा दिनहूॅजसो टनाटन मान्छेहरू देख्न पाइन्थ्यो।कोही आफ्नो समस्या टक्रयाउन आएका हुन्थे त कोही उपहार दिन आएका हुन्थे।अहिले जस्तो सुख सयल कहाॅ थियो र! टूकि बत्तिमा पढ्ने गर्थे म।रातहरू रोएर बित्थे। प्राय अनिदोॅ रातहरू चन्द्रमा सॅगको बातचित मै बित्थ्यो।मलाई चन्द्रमा धेरै मन पर्थ्यौ। कसैले मलाई मिल्ने साथी को हो भनेर सोध्दा, म आकाशतिरै देखाउॅदै भन्ने गर्थे, " ऊ त्यहाॅ छ।भरे राति आउॅछ मसॅग मिल्न।" मैले पढेको पहिलो उपन्यास नासो हो, कक्षा छ मा पढेको ।त्यही साल मैले शिरिषको फूल पनि पढेॅ।ठ्याकै भन्न सक्दिन तर मैले शिरिषको फूल बिसचोटि भन्दा पनि बेसि पढेॅ होला। त्यसपछि तीन वर्षसम्म मैले अरू उपन्यास पढ्ने अवसर पाइनॅ।म एक्लै बस्न रूचाउथेॅ।चौध वर्षपछि मैले काठ्माडौॅ देख्ने अवसर पाएॅ।सायद गाउँमा +2 हुदोॅ हो त अझै लुटिनु पर्थ्यौ मैले। काठमाडौको जिवन पनि कहाॅ सहज थियो र।म भन्दा चार वर्ष सानो मेरी बहिनी पनि थिई तर उसको जिवनशैली मेरो भन्दा धेरै भिन्न थियो। ऊ शहरमा हुर्किएकि त म गाउॅमा।ऊ मलाई पाखे भन थी तर उसलाई धेरै माया गर्थे।ऊ बाबाआमासॅग पनि अग्रंजीमा कूरा गर्थी।बाबुआमा उसलाई धेरै माया गर्थे। उसको गल्ति हुदाॅ पनि मैले गाली खानु पर्थ्यो।यस्तैमा बाबुआमा बहिनीलाई लिएर अमेरिका प्रस्थान गरे।मलाई ठमेल स्थित एक आफन्तकोमा छोडेर।दिउॅसो म कलेज जान्थेॅ त बिहान बेलूका घरको काम गर्नु पर्थ्यो।कक्षामा म कसैसॅग बोल्दैनथेॅ ।अझ केटाहरूप्रति त घृणाको भाव जाग्थ्यो।एक दिन म केही लेखि रहेको थिएॅ। एउटा केटा  मेरो सामु आएर उभियो। उसले मसॅग कुरा गर्न चाह्यो तर मैले चाहिॅन। ऊ हरेक दिन मेरो सामु आउॅथ्यौ तर म वास्ता गर्दैनथेॅ।शनिवारको दिन थियो, दिदी  र उनका दुई छोरा बिहेमा गएका थिए त भिनाजू आफ्नै कामले बानेश्वरतिर। म भोलिको परिक्षाको तयारीमा बेस्त थिएॅ।कसैको जुत्ताको टक टक सुनेर म उठेको मात्र के थिएॅ, कसैले मलाई तानी तानी कोठातिर लादैॅ थियो। म रोएॅ, चिच्चाएँ तर कोही थिएन मेरो चिच्चाहट सुन्ने त्यहाँ। फेरी म लुटिएँ।यो कस्तो विडम्वना ?यो कस्तो समाज ? नारी भएर जन्मेको धिक्कारेँ र आफ्नो जिवन आफैलाई भारी लाग्यो।जिवन त्यागन हर प्रयास गरेँ तर विफल भए प्रयासहरू।एक हप्तापछि कलेज गएॅ। फेरी त्यो केटा आयो मेरो सामु। यो चोटि मलाई रिस उठेन बरू डाॅको छोडेर रून मन लाग्यो उसको अॅगालोमा बेरिएर र रोएँ पनि। मन हल्का भयो।उसको हातमा 'कोपिला' थियो।खुसिको सिमानै रहेन।पहिलोपटक मेरो रचनाले स्थान पाएको थियो।मैले त्यो आफन्तको घरमा बस्न छोडेर म उसको घरमा बस्न थालेको थिएॅ।अनशुल थियो उसको नाम तर म उसलाई अंश भनेर बोलाउँथे।ऊ मलाई धेरै माया गर्थ्यो।ऊ मात्र होइन उसको बाबा आमा पनि मलाई धेरै माया गर्नू हुन्थ्यो।अंशले अंग्रेजी र नेपाली दूवै भाषामा उपन्यासहरू उपलब्ध गराउन थालेको थियो।उसले गर्दा नै 2067 सालमा पहिलो रचना 'आमा ' शिर्षकको लेख प्रकाशित भएको थियो।'हजुबा ','नारी', 'YOU AND I', 'YOU', 'REALIZATION' लेखहरूले पनि 2070/071 सालमा स्थान पाएका थिए।अब मलाई बाँच्नु पर्छ, जिवनमा केही गर्नु पर्छ भन्ने ढाडस मिल्थ्यो अंशबाट। तर,अचम्मको कूरो बाबाआमालाई मेरो   केही पिर चिन्ता थिएन।बिदाको मौका पारेर म हजुबालाई भेट्न गएँ। त्यही भेटमा मैले बाबाआमाले वास्ता नगर्नूको कारण थाहा पाएँ।म मुखिया बाको नातिनी होइन रहेछु। मलाई त कसैले मुखिया बा को घरमा छोडि दिएको थियो रे।मुखिया बाको स्नेहले धन्न मैले  जिवन पाएछु।
म जस्ता अनाथ बालबालिका धेरै छन्। कोही लुटिन्छन् त कोही बेचिन्।कोही बाल मजदूर त कोही सबैले भन्ने  'खाते' बन्न बाध्य छन्। हामिलाई अवसर खोई त ?
2070 चैतमा अंशसँग मेरो "Engagement" भयो हजुबाको उपस्थितीमा।ऊ रसिया गयो पढ्न र म छात्रवृत्ति पाएर दिल्ली आएँ पढ्न भनेर।ऊ म नामि लेखिका भएको हेर्न चाह्नथ्यो।उसकै सुझावमा मैले Robin sharma, Ruskin bond, J.k.Rowling,chetan bhagat,Nicholas spark, sidney sheldon, paulo coelho, Amitav gosh,Dan Brown अनि Daniel steel का सबै उपन्यासहरू पढेँ।सामाजिक प्रथा र नारी जातिको उत्थान बारे लेखिनुपर्छ  भन्ने लाग्यो।पहिलो उपन्यासको ढाँचा तयार गर्दै छु।
खुसिको क्षणहरू कमै छन्। फेरी, एकपटक पहिरो गयो जिवनमा। अंशको अकस्मात निधन भयो।मेरो पहिलो उपन्यास बजारमा आउनु अघि नै उसले यो धर्ती छोड्यो। लेखक के कूराले बनायो ? प्रेमले ? बिछोडले ? सङ्घर्षले ? या बाबाआमा नहुनाले ? कठिनाई सँग जुध्न सिकायो मलाई किताबले, बाँच्न सिकायो, दु:खमा नआत्तिन सिकायो ।